Post 12/14/12

From my journals this morning, December 16, 2012

There has been a terrible tragedy in our nation. Twenty small children and seven adults were shot and killed by a mad man/boy in a leafy Connecticut town, sixty miles or so from New York City. A collective grief hangs over us that recalls our personal grief and violence some of us have suffered over the years. I find myself sad and anxious underneath the festivities of the holidays. Why isn’t anyone talking about it at social occasions? "It’s all different now!", my insides scream.

I was going to write about gift giving. Maybe later.

Where are you God? In the response? In that sweet line of children, each with one hand upon the other’s shoulder, as you led them out of the fire of violence and darkness? I looked at each of their faces; some twisted with fear, mouths open, eyes crinkled in terror, some absolutely blank as they filed out of that school, all silently obeying the grounded and capable policewoman guiding them, doing what they were told. Lining up like that in that chaos! It tore my heart out.

God, were you in the courage of those two women, the principal and the counselor, the first to meet him in the hall, trying to fend him off? Were you that teacher who died, throwing herself over those tiny bodies? Did you gather the small ones and huddle with them in a corner, seeking safety under the shadow of your wings?

Were you in the red, tired eyes I saw in church this morning as a group of faithful people at All Saints Episcopal church in San Leandro lined up for communion? Were you in my husband who spoke with courage, compassion and clarity to a badly shaken congregation? I made a note to myself after the sermon:

Let us respond oh sisters and brothers!

Let us respond with as much love as we can muster from our broken hearts.